Disney [MGM] Studios

Well, it isn't Disney-MGM Studios anymore, but it still was when I was there. Either way, that damnable sorcerer's hat is still blocking the sight-line to the park's big wienie, the replica of Grauman's Chinese Theater that houses The Great Movie Ride. If a Florida hurricane happened to carry that thing off one night, I think there would be few people crying into their mouse ears the next morning. (At least people that aren't mid-level marketing executives at Disney who probably thought this eyesore is exactly what the park needed.

Actually, what the park needs is a much better version of Fantasmic! (yes, the exclamation point is in the title). The Disneyland version of Fantasmic(!) is not just a spectacle - it is an unsuspected spectacle. It uses the Rivers of America and the various crafts on the river (the Colombia, the Mark Twain) and Tom Sawyer's Island as part of the show. It is also quite in-your-face in a very positive way - you don't need opera glasses to see the show, partly because the viewing area is only 100 feet deep at most locations. This means less people can watch the show at one time, but they compensate by doing two shows nightly (tip: always stay for the 10:30 show - there are less people).

The Florida show, by contrast, uses a specially-built arena that makes the Hollywood Bowl look intimate. From the nose-bleed seats that my mother and I stood in, since we arrived only 45 minutes before the show was to start, you could see little ants moving around on the stage (I've been assured by my mother that they were, in fact, people). There is water, and there is a boat, but the whole thing is longer, but in a bloated, sagging-middle sort of way. Namely, this is due to the fact that the Florida version of Fantasmic! contains several tracks from Pocahontas. You may or may not remember this particular Disney animated feature that was released as part of Disney's slide from 1980s/90s renaissance down into animation oblivion, but you'll wish that Disney had forgotten about it too after you watch dancers with shovels prance around singing "Dig man/dig man/diggety dig..." Memo to the wise: save Fantasmic! for your trip to Disneyland (ours has a dragon!), and go on Tower of Terror a few times instead while the lines are down. Hell, catch MuppetVision 3-D! (Featuring "a salute to the countries of the world, but mostly America.") Just say no to Fantasmic!.